you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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