If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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