I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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