Dual....:-)
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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