There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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