in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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