My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
