he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
