went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
