Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
