He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He passed out mid-signature
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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