In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
