it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize