awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
