dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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