stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
