Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
