the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Drake has all the answers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
