i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
