she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think I sprained my soul last night
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
