I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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