remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's shark week go big or go home
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
