meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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