I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
