I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
