a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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