I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Boobs speak an international language.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
