I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you had me at cake vodka
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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