so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
