I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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