Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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