this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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