My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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