it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
