New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
