someone threw a dead crab at me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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