I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
