I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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