i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My feet surprised me
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