Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
they're like a gay fantastic four
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
