I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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