she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
