dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You pole danced in your parka.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
