I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
