...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sext me about skeletons
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