he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Hippo gnu deer
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
