"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Floor bacon is actually really good
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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