Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
