I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
