The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
